


The Morose Account of Egbert Who? Yes, Who.

by RipleyD



Series: Cursed Thasmin Things [5]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: 13 trying her best to be a supportive Mushroom Mumma, A story where an alien mushroom pursues his dreams, Coming of Age, Crack, DWFicExchange, F/F, Gen, Introducing 1 Mr Egbert Who!!!, Mushrooms, Sentient Alien Creatures, Teen Angst, Yaz is still creeped out by them, Yes this is more crack than cursed mainly cos there isn't smut, lol ur welcum xx, magic mushrooms, thasmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-07 22:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19859266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RipleyD/pseuds/RipleyD
Summary: It’s been 6 months since Yaz birthed hundreds of little telepathic mushroom babies, and they’re now mature enough to venture out into the universe. All except one, who refuses to grow up.





	The Morose Account of Egbert Who? Yes, Who.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [starryflower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryflower/gifts).



> For Maya for the DW Fic Exchange. I heard that you’re a mushroom fic fan : )))  
> I hope you enjoy this, I’ve slaved away and have doubted the contents of this fic but it’s really too late now to change anything so here you go : )))

“I… I’m so emotional. I’ve been dreading this day for so long…” The Doctor sniffed as she scrubbed her eyes with her fists, ridding herself of the tears welling up.

“Seriously, Doctor, you knew this was going to happen. You shouldn’t have gotten so close to them,” Yaz sighed, massaging her temples from an oncoming headache.

The humming and muttering of the now adolescent Aragari was a loud and constant nuisance throughout the TARDIS. Yaz was just relieved that they’d all go off and finally get out of her hair. The masses of humming, vibrating fungi were waiting patiently at the door, as if they were waiting for their mother’s permission to leave.

_ It’s time for us to go, mummy. _

_ We must travel and be free. _

_ Thanks for everything, incubator.  _

"Oi! Rude!" Yaz snapped.

"Well, you kinda deserved that one, Yaz. You haven't been very motherly to them."

Yaz kept her mouth shut so as to not dig herself even deeper in the shit hole she was already in. She rolled her eyes and slumped back against the TARDIS console. The door to the ship opened and just outside was the ever expanding universe, stars and space dust twinkling against the dark backdrop. The humming of the Aragari grew louder as the sentient mushroom beings buzzed with excitement.

“You can’t stay longer? Not even for some tea and biscuits?” The Doctor pleaded, holding on to one mushroom named Lindsey. 

_ We must go now. _

_ Thank you for looking after us. _

_ We will return to our home planet one day. _

_ Come and find us back there. _

The Doctor sniffled as Lindsey’s gooey arm slipped from her grasp. The mob of creatures began filtering out of the TARDIS, floating off into the ether. It took a few minutes for the ship to empty out. Yaz sighed in relief whereas the Doctor had dropped to her knees, mourning the loss of her babies she’d had for six months. It was too soon! It wasn’t fair!

“Well, that’s that. It’ll be nice to not be suffocated by hundreds of mushrooms all over,” Yaz commented as she stretched.

“Yaz, please don’t say anything. I’m in mourning…” The Time Lady mumbled as she picked herself back up from the floor.

“Fine, fine,” Yaz huffed as she approached her girlfriend and slung her arm around her shoulders. “I’m sorry for being insensitive. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m actually missing the constant humming.”

The Doctor smiled weakly as she wiped her runny nose on the sleeve of her coat.

“I knew you secretly really loved them,” She laughed softly.

‘Not quite, but I don’t have the heart to correct you,’ Yaz thought as the couple headed over to their bedroom.

They took a detour to the kitchen first to put the kettle on when they both froze at the scene in front of them. Sitting on the kitchen counter, arm shoved into a box of bran cereal and staring directly at them, was the runt of the (very large) litter. The couple were speechless as the 3 foot tall mushroom brought a fistful of cereal to his cap and shoved it up into the gills. It was so quiet that Yaz and the Doctor could hear the very muffled crunching.

“Uh… Hi, are we uh… Interrupting you?” Yaz asked with a confused frown.

“Egbert? What are you still doing here? I thought it was time for you guys to go out and explore the big wide universe?” The Doctor was also confused but relieved that there was still one Aragari with her.

“Egbert? What the hell kind of name is Egbert?” Yaz glanced at the Doctor with a weird look.

_ I chose the name myself,  _ mom _. Don’t judge me because I’m different _ , Egbert spoke telepathically as he shoved his arm back in the box of cereal.  _ No one understands me. _

“Oh, no, Egbert of course I understand you! You’re welcome to stay here as long as you like!” The Doctor ignored Yaz and rushed over to gather the smallest mushroom of the pack in her arms.

_ Mother, please let me go. I’m too old for this kind of thing _ , Egbert bemoaned, although he made no effort to extricate himself from the blonde’s grasp.

“Sorry,” The Doctor chuckled as she let go, giving Egbert a pat on his cap. “I’ll leave you to it then! I can give you your own room now that your siblings have gone!”

_ Thank you, mother. I’m going to keep eating now _ , Egbert said before turning away from his parents and shoving another fistful of cereal up into his gills.

The Doctor walked back over to Yaz and grabbed her arm before continuing on to the bedroom. The way Egbert spoke and what his personality was like was vastly different to his siblings. It was like he was going through teenage angst. Yaz couldn’t help but think it was weird, and that the weirdness wouldn’t stop there.

* * *

_ Dear diary, _

_ It’s been two weeks since my siblings have left home, where I have been left behind and surely forgotten. Mother likes to hover, suffocate me. I think she misses having all of my siblings around. Does she truly love me? Or is she just focusing on me because I’m the only one left? Mom doesn’t care, she hasn’t really been a big presence in my life. I’m convinced she hates us despite having hosted us. No matter… I’m different, I’m special. No one understands what it’s like to be me. I’m too smart for this universe, I just have to live with this burden. _

Egbert finished writing up his diary entry and closed the book before sliding it underneath his pillow. He sat back on his bed and reached for his laptop so he could open up Spotify and resume his playlist labelled ‘I’m not like other shrooms’. The speakers in Egbert’s room started playing MCR and he sighed before scrolling through his tumblr dashboard, mindlessly liking and reblogging aesthetic emo/punk gifsets and posts.

It was a few hours later that there was a quiet knock on his door, barely audible over the loud music.

“Egbert? Can I come in?” The Doctor called out through the door.

_ Does it matter if I say no? You’re going to come in anyway _ , Egbert sounded exasperated; he just wanted to be left alone.

“Hi kiddo,” The Doctor peeked her head around the door with that irritatingly sweet smile. “I was just wondering if you wanted to join me and Yaz on a lovely walk on this beach we found on a planet with pink water and a green sky!”

_ Firstly, I’m not a kid. Secondly, I detest the sun and fresh air. You know that mother. _

“But a little sun and air will do you some good! I promise!” The Doctor so desperately wanted to include the mushroom in family activities.

_ Fine. But if I shrivel up and die, it’ll be your fault, _ Egbert would have rolled his eyes if he had any.

But ultimately, the small mushroom turned his music off and got up from the bed. His reluctance to go was evident, but the Doctor did what she always did and ignored it. The Doctor and Yaz had left the TARDIS and were patiently waiting for Egbert to join them. After a few minutes, the smallest of the Aragari emerged covered head to toe in black. He was wearing a black Panic! At The Disco tee (that was a couple sizes too big for him), black shorts (that ended up being full length on him seeing as he was so short), and black converse shoes (He didn’t even have toes so how were they even staying on his feet??). The icing on the proverbial cake was that his cap, that was once a deep earthy brown, was slightly droopy so it looked like the typical emo bangs with hair falling over one eye (except he didn’t have eyes either). Egbert’s cap was entirely black with a single electric blue streak. Yaz clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle her sudden bout of laughter, which earned her a disapproving glare from the Time Lady. The Doctor, to her credit, merely offered a sweet smile towards Egbert.

“Don’t you look different! I like what you’ve done with your cap,” She commented.

_ Thanks… So, I was thinking. If I go on this walk with you will you give me a bass guitar? _

“Where are you gonna find a bass guitar small enough for you?” Yaz asked, having refrained from giving in to her giggling fit. “And I hate to break it to you but… You don’t even have any fingers.”

The Doctor looked horrified at what Yaz had said and slapped her shoulder.

“Don’t be rude! Egbert can do anything if he puts his mind to it, isn’t that right?”

_ Oh, fingers. There goes my dreams of pursuing a career in punk rock music. I’m going back inside to listen to my biggest punk rock influences and cry. My heart shattered, oozing my passion for music. Perhaps, it’s for the best…  _

The quiet patter of Egbert’s baby footsteps were the only thing audible as the Doctor was frozen in place, her heart aching for her fungal son, while Yaz stood there with a guilty look. It passed after a while and she shrugged before walking off towards the beach.

* * *

Team TARDIS had landed on another alien planet, this one full of various recreational activities for tourists from far and wide. It was a popular holiday spot for intergalactic travellers, and the Doctor and her companions were no exception. The planet was crowded and bustling, with vendors shouting over the din of the hordes of tourists to push their wares. The Doctor was soaking it all in, scampering between stalls to show the three companions and her son.

“This stall has  _ the best _ meat skewers in this quadrant! Oh, and over there they do incredible massages! But wait ‘til I show you the gardens!”

“Oh, I’d love to see the gardens!” Yaz smiled.

“I wouldn’t say no to a walk through the gardens,” Graham piped up.

“That’s sorted then, off to the gardens!” The Doctor pointed in front of her before marching off towards a glass dome building that was filled to the brim with plants.

The Time Lady guided the group through the garden, pointing out and naming each of the otherworldly plants they encountered. Ryan and Egbert seemed to trail behind.

“Am I the only one who’s bored here?” Ryan muttered so only Egbert could hear.

_ No. I, too, am not entertained by being amongst the everlasting wall of green. Perhaps we can sneak away and find something to entertain ourselves with? _

“Brilliant idea, mate,” Ryan sighed in relief before they waited until the other three had turned a corner before heading back in the direction they entered. Before the left the glass dome, something nestled between a fluorescent pink plant with palm-like leaves and a blue-spotted plant resembling an earth cactus that made Egbert’s mushie-senses tingle. He stopped Ryan by tugging on his sleeve and pointed to the small patch of grey toadstools with white spots.

_ Hath you ever lain thine eyes on these specimens before, Ryan? _

“Uh, no, Bert. I’ve never seen these things before in my life. Is this some weird mushroom thing where knowledge of all types of mushrooms is just coded in your DNA or whatever?”

_ A bit presumptuous of you, Ryan. And don’t call me Bert. My full name is Egbert. Anyway, you’re correct. We are born with knowledge of all species of fungi across the stars. _

“Huh, I was sort of jokin’ but that’s cool. So, what’s so special about those shriveled mushrooms?”

_ They’re used as a recreational drug on this planet, with similar qualities to that of cannabis back on Earth. They’re legal because they don’t last very long and the effects are minimal. I’m going to take some and indulge. Would you like to join me? _

“So, they just freely grow these mushrooms for anyone to pick?” Ryan asked before pausing and processing that last part. “Hang on…  _ You’re _ a mushroom. Why are you planning on  _ eating  _ mushrooms?”

_ To achieve the lowered inhibition, to experience my surroundings from an altered perspective. Regarding the implication of cannibalism, these mushrooms are effectively like insects back on Earth and I am a human. Does this make sense? My species of highly intelligent and sentient beings are very, very,  _ very _ distantly related to these consumable species. _

“Uh, sure… Well, I guess I’m down to try these mushrooms,” Ryan shrugged, figuring rolling with whatever Egbert was planning would ultimately be easier than trying to wrap his head around the fact that this talking emo mushroom was willing to trip out on some weird space mushrooms.

Egbert picked up the small bunch of mushrooms from the garden - Ryan was even more confused as to how he was able to pick up the mushrooms considering he didn’t have any fingers - and made his way back to the TARDIS. Ryan just followed if only to make sure his not quite friend would be okay.

* * *

The Doctor, Yaz and Graham stormed back into the TARDIS an hour after Egbert and Ryan had mysteriously disappeared. The Doctor had been so worried about her little boy and had searched high and low for him and Ryan. Yaz and Graham were tired of running after the eccentric alien woman and had suggested that they would have probably gone back to the TARDIS. It took a little convincing, but Yaz finally managed to drag her girlfriend back to the ship. As soon as they opened the door, there was a strange smell that billowed out. It smelled like burnt chicken and soda. There, sitting up against the console, were Ryan and Egbert who were both munching on a mixture of said burnt chicken and mushrooms they had procured earlier that day.

“Egbert! Ryan! Where the hell did you guys go? I’ve been worried sick thinking you’d been kidnapped or something!” The Doctor yelled as she approached the two boys, high as kites.

_ Chill, mom. We were just hanging here, it was soooooo boring in the gardens so we came back here, _ Egbert said while he shoveled strips of burnt chicken into his gills.

“Yeah, and like, B found these  _ sick _ mushrooms and we ate ‘em,” Ryan added as he slipped further on to the floor, looking up at one of the bent pillars of the TARDIS.

Ryan began to freak out, scrambling back and cowering from what was now (apparently) a giant serpent about to eat him.

“OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO DIE. I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!” He shouted.

“Egbert! You gave Ryan some strange mushrooms?!” Yaz shouted.

_ Relax, like, he’ll be fine in twenty minutes. These mushrooms don’t last long anyway. _

“Why are you eating them too?!” The Doctor was nearly ripping her hair out.

_ I wanted to get high _ .

“You’re unbelievable! You’re eating your own kind!”

_ Hardly. These things are like ants compared to me _ .

“Doc, just leave it. Let him do his own thing, he’s clearly going through a phase. I think he’s just trying to get attention or some kind of acknowledgement that isn’t you completely smothering him,” Graham finally piped up, somehow managing to magically provide the perfect insight to what was going on. “How about I take him home with me, let him get a little breathing space from you and give you and Yaz a bit of a reprieve, eh?”

_ You heard gramps. It’s like he read my secret diary or something _ , Egbert’s telepathic voice was starting to slur.

Unbeknownst to Egbert or the others, Graham had found the mushroom’s diary laying on the floor open for the world to see and had taken a peek. He inconspicuously nudged the book closed with his foot and smiled.

“Nah, it’s just an old man’s intuition,” Graham chuckled.

“We’ll talk about this when you and Ryan have sobered up,” The Doctor rolled her eyes and was escorted to her bedroom by Yaz.

* * *

Three months passed since Egbert had gone off to live with Graham to give both the mushroom and his parents some space from each other. Graham was actually really happy to have someone around the empty house with him, and encouraged Egbert to enjoy the simple things in life all while still enjoying his other interests. Seeing as now Egbert was a fully fledged adult, he had matured a lot. With the support from Graham, he had taken up the bass guitar and was now a member of a pop-punk band called ‘Fuck All Beetles’ (which definitely rubbed a few middle-aged drunkards the wrong way). His bandmates were high a lot of the time so the fact that their bassist looked a little funny while under the influence didn’t faze them in the slightest.

_ Look at me now, mother. Who needs multiple fingers when you have one pointy limb? _

The Doctor and Yaz were invited by Egbert and Graham to come to one of the band’s gigs, in a seedy bar where the mushroom man could be easily hidden to avoid mass panic. Graham was already sitting at a table with a pint by the time the couple and Ryan had joined.

“Hey Graham, thank you so much for all of this. Egbert’s really matured.  _ And _ he’s playing in a band!” The Doctor was beaming, a very proud mumma indeed.

“I feel bad for criticising him. I asked him how he could play a bass without fingers,” Yaz shook her head, feeling a little guilty.

“It’s all in the past now, he’s learned to forgive and forget. And he loves you both a lot,” Graham said.

Before they could say anything else, the band’s lead singer introduced himself and their set began. The crowd was into the vibe and were all moving with the music. From where Egbert was standing, his form slightly obscured by the shadows, he could see his family.

And he was happy.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m never writing mushroom fic content again, and if anyone asks for it I'll literally shit on them.
> 
> thx 4 ur understanding : )))


End file.
